I was reading something written by a friend in which he mentions a question he was asked by a poet on the train: "Tell me, sir, do you let your mind tell your body what to do, or do you let your body tell your mind what to do?" Apparently most folks asked that question answered to either one or the other; very few said they had an even split on the matter. It got me to thinking about something I've cogitated upon many times before...

My head rules my body.

This is a simple statement of fact lacking in remarkability except for in one way only: It's not a good thing. I've got great desire to be a spontaneous person, and sometimes I am, but not much - not sexually, at least. Artistically I have no fears or qualms; emotionally... I am very tightly wound; adventuresomely, I will travel to other countries just to have coffee. With the products of my person I have no problems letting go or being free, it's with my person that I am careful, too careful, and much to my detriment.

The other day my mother and I were discussing spontaneous acts, and the impressions people have of those who propagate them. It seems people feel that some of my actions in the past have been less than bright, that I act without thinking, but my mother pointed out that I do think about what I do, quite a lot, in fact, but I leave the world with a sometime impression of not thinking because I don't share my cogitations with others.

I think too much, in fact, even about things that bear no such process. Sometimes I wonder what it is that stops me; I don't think it's fear. It's something else, something that lives with fear but isn't quite that. I am not a person who is rigid of spirit, so what is it that walls me out from certain other things? I have no problem with self-examination and exploration, no problems with facing what I am - good and bad, yet those questions remain elusively unanswered.

What's stopping me?