It's been my experience that such things, the minor and major deliberate hurts, are the province of the weak - of those who have some failing within themselves, some illness, some manner of dissatisfaction, that causes them to extrovertedly act out their pain. They torture others in ways they themselves were tortured, or they viciously react to something in another person that is - more or less - a weakness or failing they find within themselves.

I can look back at my own past and see the harmful things that I did, and that were done to me, and I see how the two relate to one another. I was very much guilty of attacking in others, things I saw as weakness in myself, and I would find the most bizarre ways of justifying it - if I bothered to think about it at all. None of it ever made me happy; I very much disliked the nastier aspects of myself, yet, sometimes, that dislike made me react even more strongly rather than realising what I was doing, and stopping it.

What I know from the various forms of mental abuse I experienced - and if you believe that picking on someone is not mental abuse, then you're off your rocker; and if you think you have a right to it because, for example, someone is bothering you, then you're also off your nut - is that it can be torturous; either it can aggravate already weakened conditions, or it can turn a person into someone who can't relate to themselves at all, because you become emotionless in order to protect yourself from your environment. You can become afraid of people, mistrustful, and contrary to the belief of some, you won't become a stronger person by it - except in the most rare of circumstances where someone is able to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Those people are rare indeed. It's been my experience, though, and as I've mentioned just above, that the strength you might see in someone who's been the victim of abuse, is not a whole strength, not a good strength. It's more likely to be a wall that's been put up to shield a person's more delicate mental and emotional parts.

It takes years and years of very hard work to get past the effects of either being the victim of mental abuse, or the person who performs the abuse.

Blame is an ugly game, and it usually goes hand-in-hand with abusive situations. From the perpetrator's point of view, they often externalise the "fault" of why they are being nasty to someone else. "This person did such and such, so I have to react to it by doing such and such." That's an excuse, no two ways about it, unless some very serious form of mental illness is present, in which case there's something more going on than the picking on of others.

If I ask someone why they are nasty to another person, and I get a response something like, "Well it's because they're weak / they whine / etc.", I am obligated to point out that it doesn't answer the question. That sort of response relates only the actions of others, it doesn't explain why the perpetrator is doing what they're doing. Often perpetrators never see their own actions, or, if they do, they don't see them in the same light as the person who is their victim. There are very few occasions when someone else's behaviour is an excuse for your own. And in case you didn't realise it before, reason and excuse are not the same animal at all.

Turning another human being into a target for your own insecurities is a sign that something is wrong - not with them necessarily, but with you. It's not healthy; it's not good; it's not admirable; it's not funny; it's not the action of a whole, mature individual. By indulging in torturing others, no matter the degree, you not only are not facing yourself, not knowing yourself, and not only ignoring whatever might be amiss within, you are creating a whole host of other problems as well - also within yourself; not the least of those being anger and other feelings whose negative aspects are thus aggravated, anger that will feed upon itself and turn itself into a demon that, should the behaviour continue, become harder and harder to fight, to master, to conquer, and to eventually - hopefully - rid yourself of.

Sometimes abusive behaviour runs in families. Parents hurt children, who then grow to be adults who hurt their own children or other members of the family, or even members of the general public. Somehow I find it sadder when abused children go on to abuse siblings, because the sibling victims are receiving two or three times the amount of abuse. I've seen instances where some victims of hurtful situations who then go on to be victimisers themselves, actually don't believe they were victims at all - that what happened to them had, in no way, any effect upon them at all. They do not see what they do as any result of what they received, nor in any way reflective of what they themselves received. That sort of blindness, which is not always willful, is tragic. I hesitate to label people, even in this, but that sort of thing is revolting.

I don't think I have to say anything about the sort of people who hurt others and don't see anything wrong at all with what they are doing. I think this whole missive is clear enough on that point.

No human being has a right to hurt others, ever. There are far better ways to deal with stress, both internal and external, than harming other people; ways that will, ultimately, make you more whole, stronger, and more content with yourself and the world.

If you're hurting others, get help, stop, because you aren't doing anyone any favours - least of all yourself - and it's not going to lead to a good, healthy, or a productive future for anyone.

. . .

And for all those who think therapy is for the weak, or for losers, you're dead wrong. Therapy is for those who are willing to alter what may be amiss in their lives - and as far as I'm concerned, that's one of the ultimate signs of strength.

If you look at it in the basic sense, we humans are social creatures, we need others - that's how we were built - so there is nothing wrong with seeking comfort from someone, regardless of their job title.

Therapists are great people - they can help point out forks in the road, signposts to a better way, that your family or friends can't help you with, and probably shouldn't, because they are too close to the situation that involves you.

Nobody is too good for it, nobody is above the need for a little assistance now and then. Sadness, depression, bad behaviour, are almost universal in a way, and no person is so self-sufficient that they can always solve every problem they have. Sometimes you need a little help, perhaps just an ear, perhaps a shoulder to cry on, perhaps a little more. That's part of what your friendly, neighbourhood therapist is for.

. . .

There comes a point in a person's life when what happened to them stops being an excuse or a reason for how they behave. There comes a point when you have to become your own person, not the product of other people. As the saying goes: "Shame on your parents for what you become. Shame on you if you stay that way." And though I hesitate to use the word "fault", there does come a point when the fault for how you behave, good and bad, lies solely at your own door.

. . .

When you blame other people for your problems, by playing deliberate victim or martyr, you are throwing power away. You are giving other people power over you that doesn't belong to them. This goes for abusers and the abused.

It is hard, I know this from personal experience, to look yourself over completely, inside and out, and own all aspects of yourself - it is almost impossible-seeming, but it isn't, it can be done. What you learn by doing so, by owning all of yourself - good and bad - is that accepting your own share of fault for things is not a thing that makes you weak, it is a thing that makes you stronger. Admitting to yourself that in some ways you're an awful person, is not a bad thing necessarily - it leads you to knowing yourself, and by that knowing you can better understand yourself, and others, and hopefully work to a more balanced equilibrium in life.

After a time, after a time of seeing and knowing yourself, blame becomes a non-issue. You begin to see that all situations have reasons why they exist, that in some ways they may be your fault and in some ways they are the fault of others, but blame disappears because you understand why things happen. Understanding why something happens is the first step to not only stopping the issue, but also the first step in ensuring it never happens again.

This is not a weak thing, this is a strong thing. It is a thing of truth, of honesty.

And what also comes with this, from owning yourself and understanding the natures of blame and fault, is a reduction in how much the small things bother you anymore. Little frustrations become meaningless, and no longer hold sway over your person.

And the big things... they too can dissipate. In fact, I'd say with certainty that they will, because understanding you leads to understanding what you do, and you stop finding reasons and excuses for what you do or feel - no matter which side of the fence you're on.

. . .

Of course, knowing and accepting yourself doesn't mean that because you know and accept yourself as an ass, means that you are free to behave like one. Once the self-understanding comes, then you no longer have a right to excuse the inexcusable.

. . .

It is hard to accept, hard to come to terms with, with some abused people, but there comes a time when you realise, hopefully, that what is happening to you is not your fault, that it is something that is being done at you - not because of you.

. . .

One seemingly impossible task, but one which is possible after a little effort, is learning to feel pain, anger, frustration, etc. - all those emotions which we typically label as "negative" (the notion of negative is relative, by the way, and is not rigid for any human feeling. It is what one does about one's feelings that can truly define them.) - without wallowing in them or allowing them to colour and master your entire existence.

There is nothing wrong with feeling pain, with feeling hurt about any situation, with crying (people who think that only the weak cry, or that crying is not for the "real man", are off their nut). As humans, we have those feelings, they are a natural part of us. It is unhealthy, however, when one emotion (anger, self-pity, hurt, etc.) holds sway over everything else. How you react to your feelings can also be unhealthy, depending on circumstance.

I think one of the most important things I've ever learned in regards to the nature of human feeling and the circumstances surrounding it, is the following:

Shit happens.

You will feel something about the shit.

It is your choice how you react to, and because of, the shit.

No shit, good or bad, lasts forever.

When you realise that your reactions are a matter of choice, and when you accept that nothing lasts forever, a whole other stack of life's normal frustrations lose their sway over you, and disappear. In a sense, it becomes pointless to react to something, because it's such a fleeting moment and your frustration is wasted energy that could be put to far better use than, say, screaming at someone because they knocked over a glass of water or are making too much noise. Sure, the frustration is natural, and it's not necessarily wrong to feel it, but a person never has to act like an ass because of it.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

. . .

All of this takes work - understanding yourself, accepting yourself (good and bad), forgiving yourself, forgiving others, stopping bad behaviour, realising that what is being done to you is not your fault, etc., but it's work that can be done.

I can only tell you that the freedom resulting from all of it, all the work, is worth every ounce of effort, and every moment of frustration and belief that things will never change (with the self and others).

Things can change.

Life is not hopeless; not for the abuser or the abused. You can get through it.

. . .

You may ask... Who am I to be saying these things? I am one who has hurt, and been hurt.